CAUTION: There’s yellow crime scene tape around this blog post. Cross at your own risk, but don’t be tempted to join the dysfunctional party! It’s just me being real, trying to solve the mystery of the pity party that happened here today…
My husband tells me my laptop computer is “old.” Three years old and it’s already out of date, not up to today’s standards, and frankly…obsolete.
Exactly how I’m feeling today. Old. Out of date. Behind the times. Obsolete.
And it all seems too soon to me. Before fifty I never remember feeling this way. But now that I’m almost three years past that milestone, I do feel it. There seems to be a shift in the way people talk to me. A shift in my energy level. A shift out of the fast lane and into the pit stops more often.
But I still think of myself as being in the race. I was a racer in my younger years. Competitive, passionate, and a risk-taker. And I still want that, perhaps even more now that I feel I’m becoming more of a has-been than an up-and-comer in life.
I remember my daughter (now 20) asking her dad about a year ago when she would feel like a grown-up. His answer?
True. I never feel like a grown-up, I’ve just learned how to act like one.
My thinking got stuck somewhere around 35 and I always picture myself as a much younger version of me…until the photos show up in my in-box and I have to look at the wrinkles, sagging chin skin, and older tired eyes that stare back at me.
I don’t know HER. She’s not the me that lives in my head.
Not the me who still dreams dreams and prays for God to allow her to be useful. She’s not the me I want people to see. Not the me, like my “old” computer, who could be judged to be out of date and obsolete before my time.
I talk to myself and try to be encouraging and tell ME that I’m a great person. That God says I’m worthy, beautiful, and yes, even useful.
I only wish I could feel it.
Ah, what vanity it all is in the end though isn’t it?
Me, me, me. And I was just reading Psalm 37:4 earlier:
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Rats. I just keep looking at the wrong things in the mirror don’t I Lord?
It doesn’t say to take delight in ME…
Doesn’t promise that the desires of my heart (the ones God put there to begin with) will come true if I’m happy with ME…
So where has this process of having a public pity party led me?
Right in front of a mirror. In front of the one reflection that matters.
And I finally remember…I am not my own. My life is not my own. I’ve been bought for a price. Every wrinkle, every ache, every pity party pain—He suffered for me to give me NEW LIFE.
A new life that will NEVER be obsolete.
So thanks Kim, you’re right…it’s time I put on some bright lipstick and let Jesus shine!
(And maybe people won’t notice the age spots and wrinkles!)
Isn’t Jesus beautiful?
Keeping my eyes fixed on HIM,
(I actually like this picture of me, so I’m sticking with it for as long as I can!)
© Linda Crawford, Sunny Side Up (not scrambled), 2011. All rights reserved.